Don't get bitter.. get better.

Well it's Thursday and I have had a very emotional week. I do not know what has been wrong with me or why I cant seem to get a grip. My thoughts have raced all week and I have had no sense of control over anything. I'm usually a very content and put together person. I always feel like I'm in control and self aware but not this week. This week has been an emotional disaster.

I live a very scheduled and routine life. I have been that way my whole life. I have woke up at the same time since I started kindergarten. (true story) I'm okay with schedule and get out of sorts when my routine is messed up. When ever I am stressed or having a bad week it's usually because my routine is out of whack but this week things have been pretty normal as far as that goes. What is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way?

I have worried all week and searched my heart and mind to try to root out anything that could be causing me this uneasy feeling. I'm a big fan of self reflection and even that has not helped. Brooklynn's dad and I got into an argument this week so I thought maybe that had something to do with it. We never agree so us arguing is usually not anything that gets to me either. Sunday afternoon my mother and I also exchanged words over something silly and I thought maybe that was it. I have let my laundry pile up all week and I have always heard "clutter house equals clutter mind" but still I couldn't put my finger on the exact thing that is making me feel this way.

Every day has seemed to get a little worse. I wake up and tell myself things are gonna be okay and by the end of the day I'm crying my eyes out. Yesterday was a pretty good day at work and then we had supper at mom's and I still felt this uneasy feeling in my heart when I got home.

We got home and Brooklynn and I got into our pajamas and piled up on the couch. Even as I held her in my arms I couldn't help but worry. She went to bed at 8 and I got in bed shortly after. As I laid there I was over whelmed with emotion. Tears began to fall and for the first time this week I felt some kind of release. I was looking and thinking about things clearly and all I could do is cry. I cried for so many reasons. I cried because I miss my brothers and sisters who live far away. I cried because Brooklynn is starting school in two weeks and for the first time in her little life she will be going somewhere that she is not familiar with. I cried because I don't have the money for her school supplies. I cried because her daddy will not get a job and keep one. I cried because she has a sister who is the only little girl in the world who will ever truly relate to her and she and Brooklynn don't even know each other. I cried because of the guilt I have from playing a role in that happening. I cried because I was tired of going to sleep in that bed alone. I cried because I was being weak and I have to be strong. I cried because I didn't complete college. I cried because I don't know the future and it scares me. I cried because the window of time of Brooklynn not noticing things is gone. As I released all those emotions and all that pain and all that worry, I felt my heart literally get lighter. I was angry and bitter and finally facing it.

I know I cant be this "tough as nails" person all the time. I know that I too have needs and wants. I know that sometimes I have to stop and think about myself. Last night I realized that maybe I am not as strong as I think I am and that is okay. I had let a lot of bitterness build up in my heart and I had to get that out. We cant control life or the choices that others make.  We have to keep living and we have to keep living well. To be bitter or to be angry only robs us from the joy we have in our lives. Bitterness can creep up on you and be a dead weight in your life before you even realize it's there. None of us have perfect lives but we all have the ability to not be bitter but to be BETTER!!