Monday, July 15, 2013

Weight loss has forced me to reevalute how I feel about myself.

As usual, I have had a million things running through my head that I want to share with you guys and as usual I have been keeping notes to remember them all. Summer break is winding down and my schedule is about to change yet again. I have been using the month of July to really focus and go the extra mile and push myself in my journey to health because in just a few short days I will have to adjust my schedule and be back to reality as far as time goes.

I have been learning a lot about myself. I have always felt like I was one to consistently reflect on my life and the way things are going but that process has changed. The way I see and apply things to my life has changed. I feel like I'm in a place or season of my life where I feel like I know exactly who I am but I'm also feeling very lost at the same time. Crazy, right?

I have shared before that I have been over weight my entire life or since second grade rather. I have also shared that I cant really recall many times where someone openly ridiculed me for it either. I have always taken pride that even thought I'm over weight I still have pretty friends, I have always been accepted and the only emotional beating I have ever had for being over weight ... came from myself. I always took pride that my closest circle of friends came to me for advice and valued my opinion. I have always been proud that my brothers were both outstanding athletes. What I think I'm trying to say is that even though I have been heavy my whole life... I have always been attached to people or things that aren't and in some way that distracted people from seeing what a lazy and miserable person I really was. Again, this may not be the case but it's for sure what my perception has been.

A change like drastic weight loss suddenly threatens everything we believed to be true about who we are and it also challenges others perceptions of us as well. I have a hard time acknowledging the person that  I am becoming, physically. I have a hard time letting that person shine through. I have a hard time believing in the strength that I have been working so hard to achieve. I have a hard time wearing a size 16/18 because a 26/28 is what I was for so long. It is hard to be okay in that size. It is a whole new identity and I'm wandering  through this path really wanting to get it right.... not only physically but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well.

Being honest with myself is something that has become very necessary. Learning not to buy into the façade that I had been portraying for so long or how not to have that façade for so long. Learning to be who I am and not what others want me to be and detaching myself from the weight that was a coping mechanism and a from of self sabotage for so long has been a very challenging process. Put me in the gym, run me to death and make me sweat before you make me deal with the internal process that weight loss brings.

We all have certain ideas about who we are and what we can do or cannot do and some much of that is attached to how we see our bodies. I have worked hard and have come a very long way in the physical process of  loosing weight. When I first started working out my max burn of calories in an hour was never over 300 in an hour and that took everything I had!! Now when I can physically make it through two hours of an intense work out.. it forces me to see how strong I am. When I want to be lazy and not push myself, I cant because I know that I am settling. I know that I have worked hard to get where I am and I know that I always have to push a little harder to keep growing. Some days I have confidence in that strength and progression and some days I still sabotage it.

Now when I look in the mirror  and see my flaws... I don't hate them. I don't hate them because I know I have the power to heal them. These thunder thighs.. guess what.. they wont be around much longer. These flabby arms... guess what... they are getting dealt with every day! This huge gut.. guess what... it does not slow me down either. I am a working progress and the physical change and strength has taught me that I can and I will deal with those things all in due time. Just keep going, Jennifer!!

When I look in the mirror I don't feel like I see a different person in some areas of my life. I am still a mom, I am still a friend, I am still a student, I am still many of those things and I don't want to loose that sight of myself.  If you're not careful, the fact that others value you more because of your appearance will cause you to value yourself differently because of your appearance. The things I just listed above are things the things that I don't want to value differently about myself. I don't mind valuing them more but I never want this process or this journey to be of more value than the person and qualities that have always been there... regardless of my weight.

I believe it is easy to adapt society's principles about what makes a person "worthy". I think when you feel like you have no idea who you are, you let your peers tell you and it becomes easy to get sucked into. I cling to those things because the person I have always been fits in to it all seamlessly. Things that are new like being physically fit and smaller clothes and peoples positive view of me... scare me. Learning to reflect on the changes that are happening and learning to apply them in a healthy balanced way.... is the challenge that I am currently struggling the most with. 

Each day all we can do is be our very best and try our very best. Life is seasonal and we are always changing. If you are on a journey to health remember to have confidence in how far you have come. Remember to acknowledge the strength you have been working so hard for. Always know that you can push harder and you can accomplish things you never thought possible. Be the very best YOU!!
I am thankful for all the love and support so many of you have offered up to me. Letting this journey be an open book for all of you to see has been very rewarding and an amazingly humbling experience. Stay focused this week and don't quit!!

Sunday, June 23, 2013

We need to quit stirring the pot and wash and put away the dishes instead!

It has been almost seven months since my last post. Can you tell that I've been busy? There are many days when I will write something down with all intentions of putting it all together for a new post but it just hasn't happened. I also feel like I use social media to let you see into my daily life that I sometimes I feel like their isn't anything going on that is worth while to post about that you have already seen via FB or IG.  I really don't even know where to start.

So far 2013 has proven to be a year that I have finally decided to stop cheating myself. Cheating myself out of education, health, happiness, and just life in general. For so many years I have played the victim in my own life. The word in that sentence being "I". I have been moving forward with my life, yes but I have still allowed the dark cloud of pain and self pity  to hold me back from a life worth living. I am still on my journey to health and loving it more than ever. No big changes there except I have finally learned to love exercise and all the benefits it has to offer. I no longer view it as torture but as a tool for helping me maximize my effort towards physical health, mental health and emotional health. Yes, it does help in all of those areas. I am back in school, ten years later. You have all herd me say that I would be back in school by the time Brooklynn started kindergarten and guess what.... I am! I am in a good place in my life. There is enough struggle to keep me learning and enough goodness to make my heart swell.


execute
 
Verb
  1. Carry out or put into effect (a plan, order, or course of action).
  2. Produce (a work of art).
Synonyms
perform - accomplish - carry out - implement - fulfill

What does the word execute mean in your life? In mine, it means just this. There is no better word or definition to describe what I have learned by applying this to my life. Execute.

If I want to be healthy then I have to execute. If I want to further my education then I have to execute. If I need to get things done then I must execute. The saying "knowing is half the battle" has never been more true for me. I look back at the time I wasted "knowing". I think back to things I knew or acknowledged in my life and I'm appalled that I thought that was enough. Just to acknowledge them was enough for me. To consciously know something needed to be done and just not doing it, was how I lived. Failing to execute but gave myself props because at least I knew it, even if I didn't do anything about it.  Cheating myself and then having the audacity to play the victim. Hello, reality check!! This was a horrible habit that lead to a vicious cycle of self sabotage. The simple things I wanted in my life were not there because of this very problem, because of ME!

For me, it is safe to say that the things I wanted in my life were very attainable and have always been. I just didn't execute. I wallowed. I lied to myself. I disrespected myself. I wasted time and the list goes on of my own behavior that actively prevented me from having the things I wanted in my life.  I think humans as a whole have a real hard time being honest with themselves. I know I had major issue with this. Are you honest with yourself? Stop right now and think about the last time you were really honest with yourself. Do you reflect on your life, your choices, and where your going in an honest way?

I'll share some of the things that I had to be honest with myself about. My weight. Lets just get real for a few minuets. When I was honest with myself about my weight and my health, the end result was like a no brainer for me. Of course I topped the scale at over 330 pounds. That wasn't surprising to me when I was honest with myself  about how that number got so high. I ate fast food almost every day and sometimes multiple times a day. I would binge eat. I would sit for hours at night and snack. I didn't participate in ANY kind of exercise. I only drank carbonation. Food ran my life. The majority of my day was spent thinking about what I would eat next. Yes that sounds disgusting but it's honest. Now lets reflect back to "knowing is half the battle". I knew what I was doing. I knew the results I was getting from this horrible behavior. I knew I was cheating myself. I knew it.. but knowing it was only half the battle. It was time to execute and that I did! The first step is being honest with yourself and the second is execution.

Lets talk about education. Ten years have passed since I first started Jones. Ten. TEN! Every year that rolled around, every single year, I knew what I needed to do and guess what.. I didn't do it. I was lazy. I didn't want to try. I settled. I was okay being less than what I'm capable of being. I was okay "knowing" what I needed to do and not doing  it yet I wanted to feel sorry for myself and poor mouth. Um Hello! I have all the same opportunities as everyone else. I may have a little more to work around at this point but none the less, the opportunity was still there and I was still cheating myself from it. I had to be honest with self. I already knew what I needed to do, hell I have known that since the day I quit. Knowing isn't enough. We must do! Going back to school has taught me a lot about myself. It has made things that "grown ups" have said to me my whole life, make sense.

Why do we do this? Why do we stir the pot of the misery that we claim we want out of so desperately. Do we really want out of it? Are we scared that we might actually have to put forth some effort. Are we afraid that we may have to let go of some things that we enjoy that have become attached to that misery? Are we afraid that we wont be right all the time? Are we afraid to be humble? Do we think our PAST pain and struggle was so bad we shouldn't have to push through anything else that is hard? Do we think we deserve better than the hand that has been dealt to us? Then why do we sell ourselves short on the very things we have the power to change. Why do we belly ache and woe is me when we choose to stay in the misery. We know what has to be done, we know the things we need to stop doing but we do them anyway. The way I see it.. we deserve the misery. If we love it that much that we choose it over happiness and the gratification that growth and hard work bring to our life, then we deserve it.  Everyone always wants to know "what is your secret" or we all want to take the easy way out. We don't want to grow. We don't want to move one. We don't want to mature. We don't want to learn from our mistakes. We don't want to be satisfied and we are ruining the happiness that is waiting on us. And that my friends, is what I had to swallow when I was completely honest with myself. 

We are warriors.

“Whatever you are physically...male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy--all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside.”
Cassandra Clare

I love this quote so much. Why would we want to live our life being the victim when we could be warriors. We have all these unfortunate circumstances some which are a direct reflection of choices we have made that surround us but they do not define us. They do not hold us back. We hold ourselves back.  We need to quit stirring the pot and wash and put away the dishes instead!!

My challenge to you my friends, this week, is to do just that. Be really gut wrenching honest with your self. It could be small things like your job, a friendship, your relationship with your spouse, you responsibility as a parent, or  any number of things. Knowing is half the battle, be a warrior and execute. Our happiness is waiting just on the other side of our self sabotage.
 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Happy New Year From a Newly Focused Mom

I was just looking at  my blog and noticed I have not posted since November 12th. I hate to write a forced blog but I also hate letting so much time go by before I post. The past month and half have been super busy as usual for this season. Thanksgiving holidays came and went so fast. I was sick the entire week with the flu and it was awful. Then December came and it went with a whirl wind. I enjoyed the month of December. I had most of my Christmas shopping done so that took a lot of the stress off of me that usually comes because I always wait till the last minute.

I put my health and eating choices on the back burner pretty much the whole month. With teacher parties, class parties, making candy for B's class and family gatherings I knew it would be hard to stick to anything. Sure I could have but I just didn't want to. I told myself I would not over do it but I would also enjoy the holidays and all the goodies that come with it. I do not even want to get on the scale because I know its just gonna piss me off and make me regret that choice. I'm in the same size I was before December but it is a bit more snug than it was. I know I have gained, I just don't want to know how much. When I go back to work I will be back to prepping my  meals and eating like I should. No giving up, I have come to far.

Christmas with Brooklynn was the best one yet! She got everything that was on her list. She was so excited. It was very magical for me. The few days leading up to Christmas kinda had me in a rut. I was feeling a little depressed and just blah. I couldn't really put my finger on the reason why but I was. B was gone with her daddy the few days before Christmas and that could have had something to do with it. Not that she was with him, but that I was by myself for a few days. I got a lot of things done and used that time to do a lot of things I needed to do but not having her close during special times just does something to my heart.

Motherhood has had me thinking a lot lately. I have said before that motherhood is seasonal and that has never been more true in my life. It was like Brooklynn went from being a little baby to this tiny human being with her own set of emotions and choices over night. I cant pull things over on her any longer or convince her against things she has her mind set on. She is like living with a mirror in my face at all times. I see her do or say things that are exactly what she has seen me say or do.

Her dad has recently moved back home from PA and that has been a big adjustment for she and I both. Life seemed much simpler with him being hundreds of miles away. It was easy to explain and easy for her to understand that daddy was just far away at work. Now it takes effort and patience to deal with the situation. I have no doubt her daddy loves her and I have always taught her to love him. Being a parent is so much more than loving your child and since I have done it on my own the whole time, I am very guarded and expect the very best when it comes to Brooklynn. I have ZERO patience for ill choices. I have zero patience for no common sense when it comes to parenting. No, I do not claim to be a perfect parent but I can say that I always use common sense! Many people question my choices when it comes to Brooklynn and her Dad. I often question myself too. It's a double edge sword. Four years ago I could have done the easy thing. I could have left her dad out of the equation all together. Lets not forget that when Brooklynn Rose was born, Adam already had another baby on the way. I have always been one to make choices based on the convictions in my heart, no matter how other people feel about them. No matter how much pain and hurt her dad brought to my life, in my heart I couldn't deny him the right to know his daughter or her the right to know him. Many times it was said  "well it's better for her to not know him at all than for him to be in and out of her life". Well in some cases that is true. In my case Brooklynn has always had stability. She has always had a loving family. She has always had her needs met. She has always had a routine. Children are resilient. All of the things that Brooklynn does have compensates for his unbalanced parenting. When I would think of just shutting him out and not allowing him to know her, my mind would always jump to the future and the questions she would ask. Even though I would have kept him from her for her "protection" or for her "stability".. she would never understand that. In my heart, I felt like she would always wonder and always hold a little bit of a grudge against me for not letting her decide on her own how she felt about him. My mind would fast forward and think to  the time in her life that she could decide to find her dad or make choices for herself  and that she would go and live with him just because she would be curious to know him. So in my heart it has always been my conviction that shutting him out just wasn't the right choice. Her life here at home is so great that I wasn't worried about his parenting and how it would effect her. She would always have stability here. She would always have comfort here. She would always have... here. Like I said, there have been times, very hard times when I have second guessed myself but I always go back and find my way back to reasons why I make the choices I do. Adam does love Brooklynn but the choices he makes and what he reveals of himself to her will never be able to be blamed on me. He will never be able to tell her "well your mother wouldn't let me know or see you". I have a peace about the way I handle our situation. Him being back home has tested the way I feel but it still remains.  With all that said, it brings me back to the point of motherhood being seasonal.

It is so hard for me to let him in our routine. It makes me annoyed and puts me in a bad mood. In turn that reflects on my relationship with Brooklynn. To see how much she loves him, something I have taught her to do, and for him to treat that so passively puts me in a bad place. It makes me judgemental and critical. It steals my joy. With the new year upon us I have made some resolutions in my role as B's mom.

I will not allow anyone to have the power to decide how I feel about myself or my daily mood.
I will learn to build patience for a situation that is not ideal.
I will find a balance in a very unsteady arrangement.
I will not try to control or fix things that are reality.
I will continue to teach my daughter to love her daddy and to be a child of her own opinions.
I will be confident in these choices!

Brooklynn and I will get involved in church.
I will teach Brooklynn to tie her shoes.
I will teach Brooklynn to ride her bike.
I will read more books with Brooklynn.
Every day I will spend at least thirty minuets of one on one time with Brooklynn. No tv, no phone, no interruptions.

While I was typing the second set of resolutions for myself as a parent, my heart was swelling and getting excited just thinking about doing those things with B. I know that for me as a mother, I can only control how I parent her. I'm reminded that no matter what changes take place, I am still the same mom she has always had. Motherhood may bring seasonal changes but my love for Brooklynn will never change. The way I mother her will never change. Me being here for her will never change. I will always find the joy through the pain. I will be the best mom I can be because she deserves that. I will always teach her right now matter how I feel about things. I will always stick to my convictions no matter how people feel about them because so far my convictions have led to a very happy and loving little girl and to a mother with peace instead of uncertainty when thinking about the future.

The past month I have been all over the place. Trying to adjust and deal with feelings that have been suppressed for so long. I have started to journal and found a new focus in my life. I have always been a driven person and I will continue to have that drive. I have shaken off the shadows that the year end had hanging over me. It's a new year and new start. This year great things will happen for B and I. I will go back to school and Brooklynn will start school. I will continue my journey of healthy living and will keep my mind and emotions in check. Our family will welcome a new baby this year and Robert and Jame Lee will be moving back home. This year is already looking fabulous! Friends, I hope you will all face your demons and put them behind you and have the best year yet! We are blessed and we have so much to live for!! Happy New Year! Find your Focus!