I kept looking at them over and over trying to figure out why I love them so much. Of course, I love all the pictures that I have of her grinning from ear to ear and striking a pose but when I look at the ones of her sleeping, my heart almost has an instant peace. I think it's because I know she is safe and I don't have to worry about the reality she lives in taking a toll on her. I don't have to worry about all the things that haunt my mind on a daily basis. I don't have to worry about her feelings, her confidence, her happiness, and most of all I don't have to worry about her growing up while she is sleeping. When she puts that thumb in her mouth and I see her drifting off to dream land, I fall even more in love with her.
The fact is ... she is growing up. She is getting big. She is dealing with hurt feelings and her confidence. Her happiness is not just in the control of my hands any more and when she goes to sleep I don't have to worry about those things. A few weeks ago she came home from school and told me that one of her class mates told her that her legs were big and fat. I caught her just staring at her legs and could tell her little mind was turning. I asked her what was she doing and her response was "my friend told me that my legs were big and fat". WHAT? She is not even four years old and she is staring at her body because another three year old told her that her legs were big and fat. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! I instantly assured her that her legs are not big and fat and told her she didn't need to be worried about that. I told her she was beautiful and that God mad her just the way she is. Not to mention my child is a bone and hardly eats anything! She is no where near having big and fat legs. I could tell she was hurt by that and it stayed with her because hours later in her own home, she was sitting there staring at her legs! She is to young to be dealing with this or having confidence issues. Back to the point, when she is sleeping I don't have to worry about these things.
Not this past weekend but the one before her daddy was home from work. He has been working in PA since November and this was only his second time home since he started the job. Brooklynn loves her daddy very much. I try really hard to always teach her to love him in spite of the way I feel about him and his parenting. Brooklynn is almost four years old and has never been in her dads care over night with out me. There are many reasons for that but none that need to be discussed. When he flew in this time he was gonna be staying at his moms (in Meridian) for a few days. Well his mom is very involved with Brooklynn and Brooklynn goes and stays with her all the time. Brooklynn went and stayed with him at his moms for two nights. She was so very excited to do so. This is the first time in her entire life that Adam has had her for more than a few hours. When she came home she was so tired and told me all about the fun she had with her dad and the rest of her family there. Once the excitement wore off then came the questions. Questions I don't like to answer. See the older she gets the more she begins to understand and process what is going on around her. I knew these days would come and it really makes me sad. She told me how much she loved her daddy and how much she misses her daddy when he is working. She asked me about when her dad and I were together. She asked me about living with her dad. Just all kind of questions that are hard to explain to an innocent child. Ever since spending that time with him, she pretends her dad is with us. When we get in the car to go somewhere she says, " let dad get in the back seat". When we sit down at the table to eat she pretends her daddy is sitting with us. When she is playing in her room she comes out and tells me her daddy is in there playing with her. I just go along with her and just say "oh okay" or "well that's good". I know it's nothing more than her pretending and it is innocent. But as her mother it tugs at my heart. She is such a joy and so sweet and she only deserves the very best. She deserves to be able to sit and eat with her daddy, she deserves to go for a ride with her daddy and she deserves to have her daddy at home with her so he can go and play with her in her room .This is not how I wanted her life to be. This is not the confusion I wanted her to face. I know these issues affect me way more than they do her. I often feel a great deal of guilt that she does not have a home like I did to grow up in. Then I think about the alternative and what our home would be like if I choose to give her all those things but at the rate of it being dysfunctional. I once herd someone say "children would rather be from a broken home than to live in one". That statement has stayed with me. Brooklynn does not live in an "ideal" situation and she is starting to notice that more with each passing day but what I notice is that it does not change her. She is still so spirited. She is still full of life. She is still loving and knows that she is loved. She is still thriving. She is still full of joy. She is still my strength every single day!
I do have all of these fears. I do think about all the questions that have started coming and that will come. I think about the future and how things will change. In the midst of all those fears, when my tiny little girl slips off to dream land, I am okay and at peace. I know that is why I love the pictures of her sleeping because when she is asleep all of those fears simply go away.
