Happy New Year From a Newly Focused Mom

I was just looking at  my blog and noticed I have not posted since November 12th. I hate to write a forced blog but I also hate letting so much time go by before I post. The past month and half have been super busy as usual for this season. Thanksgiving holidays came and went so fast. I was sick the entire week with the flu and it was awful. Then December came and it went with a whirl wind. I enjoyed the month of December. I had most of my Christmas shopping done so that took a lot of the stress off of me that usually comes because I always wait till the last minute.

I put my health and eating choices on the back burner pretty much the whole month. With teacher parties, class parties, making candy for B's class and family gatherings I knew it would be hard to stick to anything. Sure I could have but I just didn't want to. I told myself I would not over do it but I would also enjoy the holidays and all the goodies that come with it. I do not even want to get on the scale because I know its just gonna piss me off and make me regret that choice. I'm in the same size I was before December but it is a bit more snug than it was. I know I have gained, I just don't want to know how much. When I go back to work I will be back to prepping my  meals and eating like I should. No giving up, I have come to far.

Christmas with Brooklynn was the best one yet! She got everything that was on her list. She was so excited. It was very magical for me. The few days leading up to Christmas kinda had me in a rut. I was feeling a little depressed and just blah. I couldn't really put my finger on the reason why but I was. B was gone with her daddy the few days before Christmas and that could have had something to do with it. Not that she was with him, but that I was by myself for a few days. I got a lot of things done and used that time to do a lot of things I needed to do but not having her close during special times just does something to my heart.

Motherhood has had me thinking a lot lately. I have said before that motherhood is seasonal and that has never been more true in my life. It was like Brooklynn went from being a little baby to this tiny human being with her own set of emotions and choices over night. I cant pull things over on her any longer or convince her against things she has her mind set on. She is like living with a mirror in my face at all times. I see her do or say things that are exactly what she has seen me say or do.

Her dad has recently moved back home from PA and that has been a big adjustment for she and I both. Life seemed much simpler with him being hundreds of miles away. It was easy to explain and easy for her to understand that daddy was just far away at work. Now it takes effort and patience to deal with the situation. I have no doubt her daddy loves her and I have always taught her to love him. Being a parent is so much more than loving your child and since I have done it on my own the whole time, I am very guarded and expect the very best when it comes to Brooklynn. I have ZERO patience for ill choices. I have zero patience for no common sense when it comes to parenting. No, I do not claim to be a perfect parent but I can say that I always use common sense! Many people question my choices when it comes to Brooklynn and her Dad. I often question myself too. It's a double edge sword. Four years ago I could have done the easy thing. I could have left her dad out of the equation all together. Lets not forget that when Brooklynn Rose was born, Adam already had another baby on the way. I have always been one to make choices based on the convictions in my heart, no matter how other people feel about them. No matter how much pain and hurt her dad brought to my life, in my heart I couldn't deny him the right to know his daughter or her the right to know him. Many times it was said  "well it's better for her to not know him at all than for him to be in and out of her life". Well in some cases that is true. In my case Brooklynn has always had stability. She has always had a loving family. She has always had her needs met. She has always had a routine. Children are resilient. All of the things that Brooklynn does have compensates for his unbalanced parenting. When I would think of just shutting him out and not allowing him to know her, my mind would always jump to the future and the questions she would ask. Even though I would have kept him from her for her "protection" or for her "stability".. she would never understand that. In my heart, I felt like she would always wonder and always hold a little bit of a grudge against me for not letting her decide on her own how she felt about him. My mind would fast forward and think to  the time in her life that she could decide to find her dad or make choices for herself  and that she would go and live with him just because she would be curious to know him. So in my heart it has always been my conviction that shutting him out just wasn't the right choice. Her life here at home is so great that I wasn't worried about his parenting and how it would effect her. She would always have stability here. She would always have comfort here. She would always have... here. Like I said, there have been times, very hard times when I have second guessed myself but I always go back and find my way back to reasons why I make the choices I do. Adam does love Brooklynn but the choices he makes and what he reveals of himself to her will never be able to be blamed on me. He will never be able to tell her "well your mother wouldn't let me know or see you". I have a peace about the way I handle our situation. Him being back home has tested the way I feel but it still remains.  With all that said, it brings me back to the point of motherhood being seasonal.

It is so hard for me to let him in our routine. It makes me annoyed and puts me in a bad mood. In turn that reflects on my relationship with Brooklynn. To see how much she loves him, something I have taught her to do, and for him to treat that so passively puts me in a bad place. It makes me judgemental and critical. It steals my joy. With the new year upon us I have made some resolutions in my role as B's mom.

I will not allow anyone to have the power to decide how I feel about myself or my daily mood.
I will learn to build patience for a situation that is not ideal.
I will find a balance in a very unsteady arrangement.
I will not try to control or fix things that are reality.
I will continue to teach my daughter to love her daddy and to be a child of her own opinions.
I will be confident in these choices!

Brooklynn and I will get involved in church.
I will teach Brooklynn to tie her shoes.
I will teach Brooklynn to ride her bike.
I will read more books with Brooklynn.
Every day I will spend at least thirty minuets of one on one time with Brooklynn. No tv, no phone, no interruptions.

While I was typing the second set of resolutions for myself as a parent, my heart was swelling and getting excited just thinking about doing those things with B. I know that for me as a mother, I can only control how I parent her. I'm reminded that no matter what changes take place, I am still the same mom she has always had. Motherhood may bring seasonal changes but my love for Brooklynn will never change. The way I mother her will never change. Me being here for her will never change. I will always find the joy through the pain. I will be the best mom I can be because she deserves that. I will always teach her right now matter how I feel about things. I will always stick to my convictions no matter how people feel about them because so far my convictions have led to a very happy and loving little girl and to a mother with peace instead of uncertainty when thinking about the future.

The past month I have been all over the place. Trying to adjust and deal with feelings that have been suppressed for so long. I have started to journal and found a new focus in my life. I have always been a driven person and I will continue to have that drive. I have shaken off the shadows that the year end had hanging over me. It's a new year and new start. This year great things will happen for B and I. I will go back to school and Brooklynn will start school. I will continue my journey of healthy living and will keep my mind and emotions in check. Our family will welcome a new baby this year and Robert and Jame Lee will be moving back home. This year is already looking fabulous! Friends, I hope you will all face your demons and put them behind you and have the best year yet! We are blessed and we have so much to live for!! Happy New Year! Find your Focus!